First and foremost, I transitioned from being an actor to an observer in my life. I am less attached to things that used to bother me so much. They interest me, but I don’t view them as final or disastrous. I have the conviction that everything flows in one direction and will eventually lead to a new beginning. However, there are times when I feel like I’m on a carousel, and I know I need to change something about myself, the way I live, think, and feel, so that I can live my life to the fullest and have no regrets.
Following my earlier experiences, I discovered new tastes. I had been avoiding two parts of the world, New York and London, and there was no rational reason for it. After 2018-2021, I realized why. New York was one of the cities where I had fond memories of my connection with my past life husband, Richard, and London was the city where we were supposed to go together, but we never did. I haven’t visited New York yet, but when I visited London in 2023, I remember pausing in front of apartments near the National History Museum and having a mental flashback to a conversation from my past life. He, Richard, or Rico as I called him, was telling me about an apartment he had bought to escape his foster parents, particularly his foster mother. When you encounter the past, you experience an emotional ending while still moving forward in the present. It is longing and hope, and it is crucial to distinguish between what is present in your thoughts and what is from the past.
After the age of 30, the age at which Ani died, I developed an intolerance to alcohol. I can only now only consume it in small amounts, but it makes me feel terrible. I still enjoy rum, Latin music, and dancing with an abandon that reminds me of Ani.
By the age of 30, I had become dissatisfied with my own existence. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing, and there was occasionally an unclear panic that was alleviated by something. I’ve often wondered if this isn’t due to a deep-seated fear of dying. After this age, my life changed dramatically. I began making significant changes to everything around me. Ani’s past inspired me to travel extensively and take risks in new situations, whether alone or with others. I realized I needed the thrill of new experiences.
I have also experienced horrible events, like those that Ani went through, such as an attempted rape. However, the impact of this action on me was smaller than the impact on my previous life as Ani. Nevertheless, the panic, sense of doom, terror, and anger were intense paroxysms, far beyond what could have been expected. These are things that I only now realize after many years.
Another peculiar aspect is that in Ani’s previous existence, she had a deep attachment to the father role and lacked a mother figure, while in this incarnation, the opposite is true. My mother and grandmother raised me in a world dominated by women. In both incarnations, they made significant investments in my education and had a strong interest in books. I grew up with a piano in the house, but my parents couldn’t get me to learn to play. However, I was a small Chopin enthusiast, and I can’t deny that Richard was a good pianist who preferred to play Chopin.
I struggled to form stable and long-lasting love partnerships. I was constantly searching for something, a kind of response from me, a certain type of connection formed through nonverbal communication. I couldn’t express what I was looking for. The more I attracted the attention of men, the more it felt like a recipe for disaster. So, I consoled myself with the thought that this is as it should be, and I didn’t know what I was looking for either. When I met my ex-husband, our familiarity and friendliness drew me in. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. But now I’m wondering if I hadn’t been searching all along to find Richard? It’s still an open question for me.
The main difference between Ani’s life and mine right now is the small boy. Ani desired and lost an unborn child. I am a mother to a boy, as I may have been in the past. It was a challenging journey, and I worried about how it would turn out until he was born. Anxiety that has been medically treated. Without intending to, I drew connections between my experience and Ani’s fear of death.
There are numerous other aspects, but I would like to invite you to discover them in the book first – On the Other Side. Memories of a past life.
