By 2020, I was completely stunned by what I was seeing. Due to the pandemic and my inability to leave the house, I was even more overwhelmed by the past and what I had witnessed. I was encouraged to write, and I found comfort in being able to download my thoughts into a word document. However, I did not tell anyone close to me anything about what I was going through. I felt as if I were in a dream, and I had no idea where the past and present separated. I was present at work, with the child, and in my family life, but I remained emotionally aloof. Soon I felt as if I couldn’t contain the entire experience anymore.
I admit that I carefully chose my audience and went to my mother, with whom I have an exceptionally close relationship. I hadn’t done it from the beginning since I knew she’d be concerned. I needed someone to help keep my feet on the ground. She listened to me without passing judgment. She was aware of my childhood dreams and sense of déjà vu, so nothing surprised her. She insisted that I write and participate in my daily activities. The second step was to speak with a good friend who was interested in spirituality and could provide me with further knowledge about what was going on. Finally, I wanted to share some information with my future ex-husband so that he could understand why my behavior had changed. I didn’t want to provide too much information in case it contradicted or called into question our relationship. Nonetheless, everything had an impact.
Everything I experienced during this time made me doubt my principles toward friendship, love, and life goals. The overwhelming feeling that my previous life had been robbed from me and that I had been unable to determine my priorities spurred me to do so more clearly in this existence. To explain to myself what I want out of life and to avoid repeating previous mistakes. On the other hand, there were numerous similarities between my old and current personalities, such as the recurring traumas and my approaches to life. The advantage is that this time I could see the patterns and preconceptions by which I functioned, and it was up to me to address them differently.
I have told myself that I need to know the past, to feel the past, to learn from it, to heal it, and to move on.